Apparently...a Selfish B***h is one lol

I have decided that taking the high road is the classy and adult thing to do at this point. 

I could say a plethera of mean and hateful things, but I wont. Its very high school, and lets face it...we're not in high school. 

I will say however, please, do not mistake my silence for sadness. I do have one regret, not being able to see him grow up. Honestly though, it wouldn't be fair to maintain a friendship on that basis.

I really didn't even want to say this much, however, I wanted to make sure this basic fact was understood.

So...

Au revoir, Ciao, Itte rasshai, Do svidanja, Adios...aka...Goodbye

and I'm Changing...like it or not.

Well, its interesting...

Have you ever sat back and looked at how much you've emotionally changed. Its not as easy to spot as your pants not fitting or your pony tail being longer. It sneaks up on you and WHAM...you realize it.

Sometimes this happens at the best of times...other times...it happens at the worst.

Right now I'm realizing that I've been prioritizing. Almost as natural instinct. Things that once mattered have faded into the background. Other issues I would ignore like the plague are now in the forefront and being tackled. My sister warned me this would happen. She tried to tell me around 22/23 I would grow up. Fully. I'd come to a fork in the road and I'd choose my path. So far, unknowingly, I've done just that.

My relationships were the first to change. Jr and I have finally settled into a pattern here. We don't get to see each other as much as we'd like...but we will make it. We always do. As for some family relationships...My sister has become INCREDIBLY important. Shes always been right there...but now I'm the age she was when we really started connecting again. It's hitting me. Shes such a wonderful person and talking to her, hanging out with her, makes me feel so much better. Makes me feel safe while all this changing and chaos is going on around me. To see her girls, my nieces, growing so fast scares the crap out of me...but its so interesting to watch them become young ladies. I miss them being little though. Hearing Angie play Barbies....Lilly playing dress up with her favorite Orange Sequined purse....Hailie and her "ponge bob pear pants". I'll miss them being little, but hopefully I'll have my own within the next few years. I might need a therapist when they start growing up too though lol. As for my mom and I. Well, I see a lot of her in me now. Not just physically...more of the protector...how she used to be when I was little. I've lived away from home since I was 18 (minus a year...) and I thought I was pretty apt to dealing with it. The older I get though, the more I miss home. The more I miss being near family. The more I realize, maybe Troy wasn't so bad after all. I always found immense comfort in friends...but now I'm finding it in my family too, for the first time in a long time.

Family isn't all thats changing though. Some friendships are in there too. I'm , for the first time ever, having a hard time deciding to move or not...based on leaving friends. Celine has become a very close friend. I've worked with her since August of last year and we bonded over a search for a pet friendly apartment/house. She's become someone I really go to for advice, help, a good laugh...a deep conversation. Shes an amazing person and REALLY reminds me of my sister. Both are the same age and have similar tastes. Even being at her house reminds me of my sister's lol. Celine in her own right though has the funniest personality lol. Shes been here for me when I've desperately needed her. Shes given me some of the best wedding contacts a soon to be bride could ask for!! She and Mike are so similar to Jr and I its crazy lol.

On a strange change front...I feel like I'm losing my best friend. We used to be almost inseparable. Now, we go days without so much as texting. When we do talk...I don't really recognize who I'm talking to. This isn't to say its her fault, or mine for that matter. We are just on separate paths. We both are going back to school...both have fiances...both have busy lives. Those busy lives leave little time to just hang around and chit chat...much less plan a visit. I never know when shes busy...or if we do get to talk for how long...Somewhere something changed. We're both growing...but we're growing away. We're missing important events in each others lives without blinking an eye...and thats not like us. We went from talking several times a day about anything under the sun....to rarely speaking...and even worse, not having anything to talk about. I don't want to lose my best friend...but if something doesn't change...we won't know each other by the time we get to the weddings we've worked so hard for.

With all these changes...I'm feeling scattered...and not like myself whatsoever. A song sums up my feelings better than I can...

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe

I'm a lot of things...and plus size is one.

Ok,

As much as I would LOVE to hide the fact...I'm plus size. I've been thinner (still about a 14) but I've been heavier too. I've seen both sides of the issue and you know what....its all POINTLESS.

Everyone jokes and says little things...hell, I've said things myself. The line gets crossed when the intent of the person saying it changes. When its not jokes, its not funny, its not meant to do anything but hurt. I have had to hear the whispers and deal with the insults and the ridicule.

All of this media press about Jessica Simpsons weight gain has really pissed me off. OK, so she gained some weight. I didn't like her when she was itty bitty...I still don't like her now. But you know what? I'm not the kind of person to call her a fat ass. The only time I take pleasure in other peoples weight gain is when they made a point to make fun of plus size people when they were thin. Thats called karma.

I really hate how everyone is so content to just let this be. That "the insults will always be there". Ok, you know what....yea they probably will be. But you don't have to condone it. You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to participate, and you don't have to turn a blind eye when you see/hear it happening to someone around you.

I guess what I'm really asking is....why say things to make someone elses life hell? Why scrutinize? Why insult? Why belittle? Why judge based on someones pant size? Does it really make them a bad person? Does it mean that they are rude to everyone? Does being plus size make you dumb?

I'm working to make myself healthier. I want to be healthier....not a sick.

It just hurts sometimes to realize how alone on this side of the weight issue you really are.

I'm a lot of things...and frustrated is one

I'm ****in frustrated right now, seriously.


I'm SO tired of my plans getting screwed. I hardly ever get to see my family OR my OOT friends. Whenever I plan to see them....what happens? SOMETHING gets totally screwed up.

I wish that I didn't work and could go and do as I please...but then I'd be broke and that would just end up being worse. Still though, I just wish that I had done a lot of things differently. Instead of seemingly picking the most difficult path to go down.

I wish I had stayed my ass in school for starters. Had I done that, I'd either be A.) Graduated by now or B.) Graduating in a few months.

Right now I'm just in a bad mood and I'm thinking about all that's gone wrong (or not according to my plans) and all that I've done wrong. Just simple decisions that I regret. Going left instead of right, saying no when I should have said yes....giving up instead of sticking with it....

I'm just feeling so down right now. So mad....so just generally pissed off. I just want to feel like I've made the right choice and its not going to come back to bite me.

I guess for now I just have to stay positive and work on getting to where I need to be. I've got a good job that doesn't pay too shabby. I've got a lot to look forward to and I just hope I make better decisions this time around.

Something I need to say

So,

Basically this is an open letter, to a certain person. If you think this is for you--it probably is.

First, I want to let you know, when you asked me if I said anything--I wasn't lying when I said no. At the time I could not remember saying anything like that, or anything at all about you.

When I got home, I tried piecing through each bit of info and realized that something was said. Not what was relayed....but yes, something was said.

What I actually said was never intended to be spread, was never intended to hurt or narc on you. I fully admit that it is my fault for saying anything in the first place, no matter the intentions. All I can say is that I'm truly sorry and I'm truly sorry for breaking your trust. I can only hope that you can forgive me and I can build that trust again.

I do hope you can trust in what was really said did not mention your feelings exclusively. It included my own as well...why I haven't felt the fall out from that yet, I can't be sure.

I don't write this to stir things up. I don't write this to call anyone a liar. I don't write this to do anything but get this off my chest....and to apologize.

To you, I'm sorry.

I'm a lot of things...inspired is a rare one.

Its rare that I get truly inspired by another person. In general...people are pretty uninspiring. Hilarious and wonderful yes...but not really inspiring lol.

Sometimes inspiration comes from the one person you didn't think it would...a semi stranger. Well, kind of. I work with her and hear about some day to day life tidbits...but I mean really...I couldn't tell you too much about her. She does have a blog on here and I like to read her stuff mainly because she writes so well. Everything flows and it ends up more like a story than a blog lol.

Her last one really inspired me though. Truly inspired me. From what I gather, we share similar but different beliefs concerning religion...but there was something very basic that really reminded me of something I never should have let slip away.

She reminded me to just be thankful. No matter what else is going on...no matter how bad things might be right now...there is still good happening. That no matter how many bills will have to wait to be paid...I've still got a loving fiance, my SUV, and my family. No matter what...I'll always have family and love. What else more do you honestly need right? I have a tendency to dwell on how CRAPPY things can truly get for me (us) and I never stop to think....someone really does have it worse than I do.

After reading my work-friend's blog...I was completely inspired to just take a step back...breathe...and be thankful for all that I actually do have. Especially at this time of year...I need to be seeing the glass half full...or else I'll spin myself into a depressive breakdown that will take months to recover from.

From the outside looking in...I'm sure no one would guess all of the troubles I'm having. Alas, they are definitely there. But why dwell on them. Is crying over the Ameren bill really going to make them take $45 off? Will screaming and yelling about rent make it magically be paid? No and NO....so why do it? Why get THAT stressed when in actuality...I still don't have as many bills as most. My car is paid, my medical insurance is paid for, and my car insurance is paid for. For most people...those are 3 HUGE financial burdens. Burdens I'm lucky enough not to have to deal with....at least not for now.

I have to learn that getting worked up over all of the bills wont get them paid. C'est la vie right? lol.

To end this (because I have to get back to work) I'll quote directly from my work-friends blog. I really couldn't say it better...so I wont try lol.

"I am rich with happiness and joy. I am rich with family and friends. I am rich in that I have already lived such a full and unbelievable life and I am still young. I am rich because I am finally coming to realize the reality of how wealthy I really am!"

I'm a lot of things...and I'm definitely excited for today!

I'm REALLY looking forward to today...

We get Asya today!!

Both of us are SO excited whenever we get to spend time with her. Shes so wonderful and such a funny little kid. Her laughs light up a room and can warm even the coldest of hearts.

I'm extra excited because we are doing Christmas with Asya today/night. After I get out of work we are heading straight to Mexico, MO so that we can do christmas with Jrs family. Normally, that would sound WONDERFUL. However, Jrs sister Heather is going to be there.

I can't stand the woman and I don't look forward to seeing her. She acts like she is the best Aunt in the world and that she is always spending money on Asya and spending hours playing with her. Um, well, she isn't and she doesn't. Not to toot my own horn but I'm the type of Aunt she says she is. I spend money, I lived with my nieces, I took care of them day in and day out. I know their fav colors, their allergies, the way they like to wear their hair fro cryin out loud lol. Heather can't tell me one thing about Asya, yet she acts like we should praise her for Aunt of the Year. I'm sorry but you have to be active to be a good Aunt. I know she doesn't live very close to Asya, but I don't live that close to my nieces either...and I still keep up with all their likes/dislikes.

ANYHOW...she bothers me and I don't feel like dwelling on her lol. I'm excited to see her get new things and play. I'm SO excited to do santa cookies with her and then do Santa on Sunday morning. Jr and I are in for a long night though lol. We have to set up a 54 some piece Pretend Play Kitchen lol. The burners light up and everything...woo woo. Not to mention we got stocking stuffers and all kinds of stuff. Hopefully she loves it all!

I'm in a really good mood today. Even aside from the Asya visit.

Candace and her crew made it down and I had so much fun. Just being able to laugh and joke and spend some time together. I never realize exactly how much I've missed people until I see them again. Tristan has gotten so big!! He's becoming such a funny little boy with a personality all his own lol. Trist developed a fondness for going up my stairs (the problem was coming down). This fondness however got him into BIG trouble. Candace said "If you don't get down from there I'm going to start counting to three. One...." and Trist promptly followed with "Two, Three". Needless to say all the adults broke out into hysterical laughter. Even though we shouldn't have...we had to laugh lol. Kids got good timing lol. I'm so glad that I got to spend time with them and love on my God Son.

Well, I was planning on writing more but my mind is in a million different places and I am at work lol. All for now...

A plus!