I'm a lot of things...but this just isn't me.

I'm sure everyone, at one point or another, has just wanted to go home. To get away from things and just go home.

Well, I'm at that point.

I have a tendency to cut and run whenever I don't want to deal with a situation or a person. But what do you do when you have to deal with that situation/person almost every day? I would love nothing more but to cut and run right now, but unlike some people, I'm not made of money and I can't afford it.

I'm a talkative, caring, joking...kind of personality. For the last two days, I couldn't be farther from those things. I don't feel like talking really, I'm tired of caring about people that don't care about me, and I definitely don't feel like joking around with people that might be saying things behind my back.

I thought things were going to be different for me when I gave Columbia a 3rd chance. For a long time it was. Until now. I really thought I was going to be ok. That not everyone is fake and not everyone is judgmental. Slowly but surely I'm being proved wrong. That's not to say that I think everyone around me is fake, they aren't. Just some are. No matter if it were 1 or 5...it still upsets me that yet again, I've kidded myself into thinking things would be different.

I miss knowing who I could trust and who I couldn't. That comfort in knowing. Here though, I have to start all over. Home I know who to stay away from, I know who's a jerk. But here people have perfected putting on a mask of kindness. That more than anything makes me wary.

I do love aspects of being here, but there are so many things, people, that I'd rather just not deal with. Ever.

I miss my family and I miss having their support near me. I mean, I realize they can support me from miles away...but its not the same sometimes. I miss being able to go over to my sisters house and just joke and laugh and forget the problems the world outside of her doors. I miss being able to be at Moms and just having a conversation with her. I miss more than anything being able to vent to the people who I KNOW are there for me and understand me. People who I know wont stab me in the back, or talk behind it for that matter.

As you know I'm going through something right now that's really affected me, thrown me off my happy positive course. Normally, I'd just deal with it and move on. For some reason, its different this time. I can't just get over it. Maybe its because I have to stay and face it instead of cutting and running. Maybe its because its the first time I've had to spend the Holidays away from my family. Maybe its a lot of things. All I know is that I don't like feeling like this. I don't like the worry, the anger, the regret, the hurt. Most of all, I don't like the pessimistic view I have.

I'm the type of person that always tries to see the positive in any situation. Not in a naive, blind way, but in a more realistic "I'd rather be happy" way lol.

Maybe I will get it back after I spend some time with my family. Maybe I won't.

On a side note...I don't understand how people can be such a**holes. (Sorry for the language Amaris lol). I have been on both sides of the weight issue. I've been skinny, I've been heavy but I've never treated someone differently because of their weight. I think its the DUMBEST thing you can ever do. I understand people, friends, being concerned about their friends weight and possibly saying something. What I don't understand is how being too skinny or too big makes you less of a person. I understand the health issues for both sides, but health has nothing to do with people who choose to belittle under/over weight people. If you are so petty that you have to make fun of someone just because of their weight, then I guess all I have to say is....(Amaris don't read this) F**K OFF.

No one should have to be judged based on their skin color or their weight. What petty issues to judge someone for. What a little despicable person you must be. Did you not have enough friends growing up? I can only hope that someday you feel the judgment that you have placed on others. That will be your judgement day.

For now though, live in your ivory tower and stick your nose up. As my mom says "people with their noses stuck up better watch out for rain. any higher and they might drown.".

For now, I'll be counting the days till I can get away from you for awhile. I'll be counting the days till I can spend time with my family again...I'll be home for Christmas.